Ray Gillette, Taxi Driver
by Red Witch
Summary: Ray is called to get Cyril out of an embarrassing predicament.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters took off in a taxi. Just some madness from my tiny little mind imagining…**

 **Ray Gillette: Taxi Driver **

"I don't know why I agreed to pick up Cyril at six in the morning on a weekend from who the hell knows where?" Ray grumbled as he drove his car around the outskirts of LA. "Maybe I'm too trusting? Maybe I'm a pushover?"

Ray thought again. "Or maybe it's the three hours Cyril agreed to give me for my private eye's license for picking him up? Yeah. That's probably it."

"Now where the hell is he? He really called out in the middle of nowhere. Oh there he is!"

Cyril was standing next to a pay phone. "Ray Gillette's Taxi Service!" Ray called out as he drove up. "Man needs a lift, I'll run right over!"

"Ray thank God," Cyril looked hung over. He wasn't wearing his usual sweater vest. His shirt looked rumpled and he wasn't wearing a tie. "Just get me out of here."

"Cyril what's going on?" Ray asked. "What's in that parking lot? Is that a **circus** over there?"

"Just **drive!"** Cyril wailed as he got in Ray's car.

"What did you do?" Ray sighed. "Or should I say who?"

"Just drive!" Cyril groaned as he put on his seat belt.

"Fine," Ray drove off. "So…What's new?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Cyril groaned.

"But knowing you," Ray sighed. "You will…So spill it."

"I've made a huge mistake," Cyril groaned.

"The story of your life," Ray quipped. "What happened this time?"

Cyril groaned. "You know how my love life has kind of hit a bit of a dry spell?"

"Cyril," Ray said. "The Mojave Desert in Summer goes through a bit of a dry spell. You have been just plain striking out!"

"Well I found this singles mixer online and it was at the outskirts of LA," Cyril went on. "So I figured why not try to find people there, since I'm having such a lousy time finding people in LA? So I get to the hotel for the singles mixer and I find out that it's been canceled due to lack of interest."

"How much of a lack of interest are we talking about?" Ray asked.

"I was the only one who showed up okay?" Cyril snapped. "So I felt bad and I decided to go to the bar. I mean I drove out all this way so I might as well do something. So I go to the bar to have a drink and I see the bartender closing down the bar. Well he tells me the bar is closed to the public tonight because of a private party for later."

"So you struck out twice?" Ray asked. "Then how come…?"

"I'm **getting** to it!" Cyril said. "Well then this woman who rented the bar for the night was there and she told me that she co-runs a circus with her father. And tonight was not only the last night they were in town, but it was her best friend Ho Ho the Clown's birthday. And we talked and I before I knew it I bought some tickets to see the show. It was only across the street from the hotel so it wasn't that far. I mean I came all this way out here I might as well get something for my troubles right?"

"I guess."

"Long story short…" Cyril went on.

"Too late," Ray quipped.

"I went to the show which was good and I was invited back here for the party," Cyril said. "So I figured what the hell? A few drinks before going home wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

"But then those few drinks turned into a lot of drinks didn't they?" Ray asked. "I think I see where this is going."

"The next few hours became a blur of sequins, red noses and a lot of orgasms," Cyril groaned.

"So you had a drunken escapade?" Ray asked.

Cyril snapped. "Is there **another** kind of escapade that starts at a bar and ends up in a hotel room sandwiched between three female Chinese acrobats, a couple female clowns and a bearded lady?"

"So you had a circus themed orgy?" Ray quipped. "Mazeltov!"

"It's not funny Ray," Cyril groaned.

"Would have thought you steered away from a circus after the clown incident," Ray remarked.

"I was there for the acrobats," Cyril said. "The clowns came in while I was drunk! I think…"

"Were there any little people involved?" Ray asked.

"I don't know…" Cyril groaned. "I think some people left in the middle of it. Well people were coming and going a lot…"

"And you were mostly…"

"RAY!" Cyril snapped.

"Phrasing!" Ray cheered.

"This is the third lowest thing I've done due to my sex addiction," Cyril groaned.

"What were the first two?" Ray asked. "Cheryl and Pam?"

"Technically Cheryl's is fourth because she's hot," Cyril groaned. "Pam is second. As for the first…I don't want to talk about it."

"And you called me because…?" Ray asked.

"One, I'm still hung over," Cyril snapped. "And I don't want to drive drunk! Not that I can find my car anyway…"

"Oh man," Ray snorted. "I can't wait to tell **this one!"**

"You are **not** telling anyone **anything** about this!" Cyril snapped.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want anyone else from our office to find out about this!" Cyril snapped. "Especially Lana and especially Archer!"

"I get Lana but why not Archer?" Ray said. "Not like he hasn't done a clown or two in his time."

"Ray…" Cyril moaned.

"And he's definitely done a few acrobats in his day," Ray added. "Then again who hasn't?"

"Ray…"

"I know I have," Ray went on. "And Krieger. And Pam. Probably Cheryl too. Would not surprise me considering that freak show of a family she comes from."

"Ray…"

"And you can't tell me Ms. Archer hasn't been with some kind of circus freak **once** in her life!" Ray went on. "Like Mother like Son!"

"Ray…"

"And as for the whole bearded lady thing," Ray went on. "Come on…Between Scatterbrain Jane when she was on that weird medication, Pam and those lady boy hookers Archer's…"

"Ray will you **shut up** for a minute?" Cyril snapped. "On second thought wait, you have a point. But still I don't want anyone to know what happened tonight. God **I** don't want to know what happened tonight."

"I'm just saying," Ray shrugged. "It's not like most people in our office will judge you. Hell in Pam and Archer's case you might just go up in their estimation!"

"Oh but Lana **will** judge me!" Cyril groaned.

"She judges _everybody_ ," Ray groaned. "Not like she's one to talk."

"I don't want Lana to think any less of me," Cyril sighed.

"I don't think that's even possible at this point," Ray remarked.

"You know…?" Cyril gave him a look.

"You think any of those Chinese acrobats have brothers?" Ray asked.

"I didn't ask!" Cyril snapped. "We didn't exactly have an in-depth conversation!"

"Sorry…" Ray apologized. "Just asking. So were the Chinese acrobats actually from China or…?"

"I don't know! It was a drunken orgy!" Cyril grumbled. "Not the McLaughlin Group!"

"Look," Ray said. "Here is what we are going to do. There's a waffle house not far from here. We are going to have something to eat. You are going to drink coffee and sober up. After a while we will go back and find your car. Then we'll drive back home and we won't talk about this ever again. How's that for a plan?"

"But what if I run into them in the parking lot?" Cyril whined. "What do I say?"

"Cyril, you said that last night was their last show right?" Ray asked.

"Yeah."

"That means that the circus will be leaving sometime today," Ray said. "Usually they get up at the crack of dawn and move to the next place. Which is basically now. We'll take our time eating. Then drive back. By then they will have left, or be so busy getting ready to go they won't have time to go back to the hotel and look for you. If they want to look for you!"

"Oh…" Cyril realized. "What do you mean if they **want** to look for me?"

"Trust me Cyril," Ray remarked. "You're not the **only one** that's embarrassed about what happened that night."

"Oh…"

"To them you're just another lonely stranger in another lonely town," Ray said. "Like two ships passing in the night. Well in your case more like a **fleet** of ships…"

"You know?" Cyril gave him a look.

"Cyril trust me," Ray said. "You are not the first man who's had a Fun and Run from the circus. Lord knows I have."

"This has happened to _you_?" Cyril asked. "I can see it happening to Archer but **you?"**

"A few times yes," Ray said. "The most memorable one was during the year I ran around Europe after the Olympics. You know? I had just come out of the closet and was trying to find myself. I found a lot people during that year. And one of them was Gustave."

"Gustave?"

"Gustave the Bear," Ray sighed. "He was the strongman in this little Bavarian Circus that was touring around. Big bear of a man. Bushy brown beard. Biceps you could climb like a mountain. Oh he was something. Deep voice. Blue eyes you could practically drown in. Hmm, hmmm. I was with that man for three days. Convinced myself that he was my soulmate and we'd spend our lives traveling the world together."

"What happened?"

"He went back to his wives," Ray grumbled. "Obviously I was wrong about the soulmate thing."

" _ **Wives?**_ " Cyril was stunned.

"He was married to one of them Siamese twins," Ray explained. "And they were both bitches."

"I don't believe it," Cyril blinked in shock.

"I know," Ray said. "After what they did to him with the Lobster Man? They had to gall to call him an adulterer! Huh! Some people!"

Cyril looked at Ray. "Your past gets more and more interesting the more I know about it."

"It has been a strange and colorful ride I must admit," Ray shrugged. "Although not as strange as the time Krieger talked me into going to this underground circus show and after party."

"Underground circus?" Cyril asked.

"No elephants or clowns," Ray explained. "Instead they had motorcycles and monster costumes. Don't ask."

"I don't think I will…"

"I don't know what was in that punch but boy…" Ray groaned. "Next thing I knew I woke up naked, covered in day glow paint. Smack dab in the middle of a pile of guys in a tent next to the water station."

"Oh my god!" Cyril gasped.

"I don't where Krieger went," Ray went on. "He was my ride and just took off."

"What did you do?"

"Only thing I could do," Ray shrugged. "Grabbed what clothes I could find. Stole some cab money from a wallet I found. Snuck out of there. Got a cab. Returned home. Took a shower and washed off the glow paint. Had breakfast. Read the paper. Got on with my life."

"And you never said anything to Krieger about what happened?" Cyril asked.

"I don't think even Krieger remembers what happened," Ray said. "Remember the week he was missing and they found him naked on that barge on the East River?"

"Oh right," Cyril realized. "Archer said he thought he was riding on a giant turtle who was going to teach him enlightenment."

"Took him three days to come down from that trip," Ray nodded.

"Ms. Archer had to call in a carpet cleaner," Cyril remembered.

"I decided that the most prudent course of action was to **never mention** it again," Ray shrugged. "And I was right. So believe me Cyril. I know **exactly** where you are coming from on this."

"That does make me feel a little better," Cyril admitted.

"And again," Ray added. "You **know** Archer's been involved in a lot of freaky-deaky sexual shenanigans."

"That's true," Cyril agreed. "I just don't want anyone else to know about this."

"Fine," Ray said. "We'll keep this on the down low. On the bright side, your dry streak is officially over. And there's nowhere for you to go but up."

"Yeah," Cyril realized. "Yeah. You're right."

"So you had one wild night of uninhibited sex with a bunch of strangers?" Ray went on. "That's basically what a regular weekday was for Archer. And his mother…"

"Yeah," Cyril felt better. "Who are those assholes to judge me?"

"And you've had more sex last night than Lana and Archer have had in weeks," Ray added.

"That really makes me feel better," Cyril realized.

"They don't need to know everything about your life," Ray said. "You've had your fun. Got some of your confidence back. And after a good meal and a good night's sleep you'll be ready to face the world."

"Yeah!" Cyril grinned. "You're right! Thanks Ray! You're a good friend."

"Anytime. One more thing," Ray said. "Word of advice. You might want to get yourself tested for well…everything. Just to be on the safe side."

"When you say everything you mean…?"

"Everything," Ray said. "Can't put a price on peace of mind. You did use a condom right?"

"Uhh…." Cyril blanked.

"I'm guessing that's a no," Ray groaned. "So yes. Get tested. Right away. Also you have your wallet on you right?"

"First thing I looked for after my pants," Cyril said. "I have it."

"Good instinct," Ray said. "But just to be on the safe side, I'd get a new bank debit card if I were you. And monitor your credit card score and purchases for the next three to four months closely. Just to be safe."

"Wow," Cyril blinked. "You really have done this before. So people have stolen your wallet and credit cards during…?"

"No," Ray said. "More like the other way around. Oh and just to be safe I'd change your locks too. Just in case someone was obsessive enough to make a copy."

"When would they make a copy of my keys?" Cyril asked.

"Pretty much any time you were out of it," Ray said. "It's easy to make an indentation using either modeling clay or have access to a machine. I mean I know the probability is pretty low but I recommend using a new locksmith within the first three days. Just to be safe. I can recommend a guy."

"O-kay…"

"And when we do find your car," Ray said. "I suggest looking for tracking devices and/or explosives. Just to be safe."

"Tracking devices?" Cyril yelled. "Explosives?"

"You'd be surprised at some of the weirdoes that are out there!" Ray groaned. "I've been checking my mirror so we're not being tailed. That's a very good sign. What am I forgetting? Hmmm…I know there's something. Oh right! Do you remember at any time did someone take your fingerprints?"

"I don't know! Why would they want my fingerprints?" Cyril asked.

"Probably to frame you for a crime," Ray said. "That's what people like that usually do. Oh blackmail! I forgot about blackmail! You did sweep the room for cameras and recording devices right?"

"Geezy Pete!" Cyril groaned. "What have I done?"

"The more accurate question is who have you done?" Ray corrected. "And do they have a criminal record? And since they're in the circus…Actually that just means they're better at hiding it."

"Oh dear God!" Cyril wailed.

"Now you didn't notice any new scars or missing teeth right?" Ray asked.

"No!" Cyril asked. "Oh my god! That's a thing? Like with **kidneys**?"

"Oh no," Ray told him. "People don't steal kidneys and leave them alive. That's an urban myth."

"Oh that's a relief."

"If they stole your kidney, you'd be dead," Ray said. "I mean why just take one kidney when you can get double your money right? And a whole bunch of other organs. Plus, stealing organs from a body isn't as easy as it looks in the movies. Trust me on this."

"How do you **know** this?"

"I know Krieger," Ray said. "No what most people steal from their victims nowadays is blood, semen and the occasional tooth. Not as obvious. And you'd get a ton of money from blood banks, sperm banks and dentists looking to turn an extra profit."

"Oh god," Cyril checked his teeth in the mirror.

"Speaking of profit also be on the lookout for some unusual feelings of withdrawal," Ray said. "Over twenty percent of new drug dealing business comes from casual sex or group orgies. Just saying…"

"People don't really **do** that do they?" Cyril groaned.

"We did it to Pam."

"Oh my God!" Cyril wailed.

"So don't be surprised if you get some weird crazy drug like flashbacks between now and oh," Ray thought. "Tuesday."

"Is there **anything else** I should worry about?" Cyril asked in a high pitched voice.

"No, that's pretty much it," Ray said. "Oh wait. They didn't take any urine from you did they?"

"Why would they want my urine?"

"You don't want to know," Ray said.

"I really don't…" Cyril groaned.

"Here we are!" Ray said as he pulled into a driveway of a diner. "Who wants waffles? You still have cash don't you?"

"I hate my life…" Cyril moaned.

"But you still have enough money for waffles right?" Ray asked.


End file.
